An Engaging Predicament

There has been some recent drama... not really drama, more like sub-drama. My girl and I have been in conflict for many months over where we would live after moving out of our parents' houses. I wanted to live in the city and she wanted the suburbs.

I don't know who's familiar with the suburbs, but they are a breeders refuge. People move there for the changeless environment, stability, broad lawns and narrow minds (thank you Hemmingway). I still feel as though I am progressing. I don't want to stop where I am right now and settle with what I have. True I have a woman that I love, but I want to provide her with a lifestyle that would limit any potential problems down the road.

She isn't the planning type, although this upcoming wedding is a blaring exception to that rule. She doesn't understand the need to be financially secure before we start having children, to have a nest egg, to be able to stand on our own feet. She is dedicated to going with the flow whereas I try my best to direct the flow.

I know that in order to get noticed in any of my endeavors, I need to be exposed to people. Not just any people, but the people that are of consequence. In the suburbs, even if you do get noticed, there doesn't tend to be much opportunity to put your talents on display. The annual craft shows only attract senior citizens, no art collectors or magazine editors. I need to be where people look for talent. That means I have to move into the city.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, that whole conflict was still unresolved. That is until she got a job in Oak Park. For those unfamiliar with the chicagoland area, Oak Park is a haven for the tasteful and the elite. There are regular shows where people can present their work. There's architecture that attracts the art lovers around the world. The town borders the city and has a public transportation system with no rival. This place is a perfect compromise. She will have her suburb. I will have my city.

Perfect right... wrong. Word got out in my family that we were looking to move into Oak Park. This town is about 15 miles from the parents' house and they are strong believers that the quality of a relationship is inversely related to the distance between members of the relationship. There is some truth to that, but I don't think that 15 miles is that far away.

The area of Oak Park that we're looking at is right around the Metra train station. Both mine and the fiancè's parents live in houses that border the train tracks. We could hop on a train and get to their houses in 20 minutes. With good traffic, it takes 30 minutes to get there by car. No big deal.

Anyway, this got my girl thinking that people were against us moving out there. She started to get cold feet and wasn't into the idea as much. Now I don't think that I'll have another opportunity to move out there so I took the bull by the horns and confronted my parents on the issue.

I stated all the pros and made sure to mention the cons. I told them that the benefits far out weigh the detriments. The fiancè is still weary but hopefully she'll be more supportive when we go out there next week to look at condos.

Until then...

People tell me that women change once they get married. I've witnessed this when my brother's have gotten married. Their wives take on a different personality. It hasn't been a Dr.Jeckel/Ms. Hyde but the differences in the before and after are quite stark.

I was concerned about this metamorphosis and spoke with the fiance concerning any potential change. She assured me that she is being true to herself now and that she can't imagine changing at all. This wasn't all that convincing.

She has already started to change. I've mentioned before about her change of tastes concerning the wedding from pre-engagement to now. We spoke about how we would like a wedding long before I gave her the ring. And everything that she said she wanted (of which I was in complete agreement) has changed to become the opposite. An intimate wedding and reception for only immediate family is now a large extravaganza for every person that ever said hello to us or gave us a birthday card (I'm exaggerating for effect).

I honestly don't think that women consciously know that they change. They probably at the very least consider it maturing. Well, I don't like surprises. I like my wife to be as she is. If she starts getting all absorbed in family politics and etiquette, then I can imagine some long and gruelling discussions to tell her that there is no reason to alter her personality.

I want to know the woman I'm marrying. Why else do we go through the lengthy courting, the engagement and living together if she's just going to change when she puts on a measly wedding band? Why not just have an arranged marriage or order a bride from Moscow if its going to be a surprise come wedding day?

I have faith that my girl won't change. Call me naive, but she knows I love her how she is and that nothing else is needed to prove that fact.

She's not going to change...

She's not!

Why can't I believe that?

I was asked by someone, "why did you find it necessary to get married?" While that question is simple the answer is the exact opposite. Why do I find it necessary to get married. Why does anybody find it necessary to get married?

I guess it would be necessary if I was a political refugee awaiting extradition to the United States to be prosecuted for playing a game of chess and my only way to avoid persecution would be to get married to a Icelandic citizen. Strangely, I do not find myself in the predicament despite playing chess against Polish, Russian, Chinese and Mexican nationals. No the need to get married is not a life threatening one.

I admit that I could be just as satisfied by having a common law marriage. In the state of Illinois, I would have to live with my fiancè for seven years before the title of man and wife. Thats a long time to be in limbo.

I guess the reason for the needing to get married is certainty. I could be certain that we have a partnership recognized by the state. If something happens to me or her we could take care of each other without much difficulty. When we have children together they wouldn't have the stigma of being born in wedlock. Our parents would be certain that the significant other isn't just a temporary entity.

There are so many more reasons but we have a great mutual devotion that, in an idealic world, is more appropriate between a husband and wife. We would still love each other just the same regardless of marriage but the symbolism of the bond would be tantamount to a seal of finality. No more room for doubting each other's intentions, just the relief of knowing that your loved.

I got the mail today, oh boy.
Three-hundred dollars for a telephone
I couldn't help myself but moan
All were incoming calls
From far beyond my walls

These were included in my plan
Those goddamn liars rob me every day
But they're calls from my fiancè
Calling me all the time
For no reason but to call and let me know whats on her mind

I called the service desk, oh boy
Put on hold listening to Kenny-G
I fell asleep phone by my ear
'Woke to a blaring jeer
The end was so near, I need to break this phone...



(My Beatles inspired engagement tribute)

The issue of having bride change her last name to the grooms has been seeping into my mind. I've been hesitant to address this subject with the fiance or anybody else because I don't exactly know where I stand.

If I were to hold the position that I desire her to change her name to mine, then in essence I symbolically wipe out her past. I take posession of her as my own. Now I'm hardly the overbearing, traditional, possessive type. I want her to be her own person. I'm in love with her as a person not as an object.

If I were to hold the position that I want her to keep her last name then I could be accused of trying to jinx the marriage. People would say that the marriage isn't taken seriously and that we would be trampling over tradition.

If I were to hold the position that she could hyphen our names together then I would have to do the same otherwise be accused of bigotry due to thinking that she should suffer the hyphenated name while I go about unhyphenated. If I take on the hyphenated name I would be considered an effeminate by my male peers for doing something that is so associated with women. Family would disapprove because they consider a hyphenated name hoity-toity and pointless.

My fiance has no brothers. None of her uncles on her father's side have had any male heirs. I have been told that her last name ends with her father. I would feel guilty if I was responsible for her deciding to change her name. Then again, what would that do but delay the conflict. What would our children's last name end up being?

I wouldn't want our children to have to explain that their parents aren't divorced, but rather have a progressive marriage. When they would have to write their names on the chalk board or on a name tag the kids in the class would be likely to tease them for such a long name. They would end up being ridiculed and taunted, forever to hate their parents for their ill fated decision.

No, the best thing is for us to change our last name to a mutually agreed upon name. Maybe Diaboli, Absurdum, Arcana, Scribendi, Imperium or Redivivus. Those would set the child apart. Kids would ask "what does your name mean?" And he or she would respond "ABSOLUTE POWER!!!!!"

I don't think that would actually happen. The fiance and I would probably come to the decision to follow tradition. She has recently become the traditional type and I don't think that she'll take this issue any differently than the rest.

Oh well, it would've been nice to change my last name to the latin form of the phrase "Come back to life". Maybe it would've worked...

Today the fiance and I are announcing who will be a part of the wedding party and who will sulk over the fact that they aren't going to sit at the head table during the reception and will have to go to the bar by themselves in order to get their free drinks. Just kidding! I'm sure that everybody is happy for us and they are willing to put politics aside and enjoy the happy occasions... Yeah right.

One thing that you will never escape is politics. Why is it that my girl has decided to get a white dress? Politics. Why is it that we're having an extravagant reception instead of a nice intimate gathering of family and close friends? Politics. Why is it that my girl and I are going to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a single day? Politics!

Sometimes I think about running off with my girl to the edge of the continent and never having to worry about family politics again. It's not that I don't like my family or hers. Its just that there are so many factors to consider when making a decision that involves other people. I have to take into consideration all the petty pet peeves of everyone. I wish that everybody can be like me and really not give a shit one way or the other, but it's not a perfect world. But imagine if it were...

Cities would be set up in a perfect Feng Shui design. Quantum encryption and biometrics would be employed to completely rid the planet of a cash based money system. Everybody would survive on credits. The communications infrastructure would be brought up to dat to ensure that a mobile work force could still communicate easily and cheaply with family. Petroleum would be outlawed. A truly free market society would be put in place and the government would start to take the role of protecting the environment seriously. Texas would be ceceded from the United States. Karl Rove would be put in prison. Rupert Murdoch would be tried for crimes against humanity. Dr. Phil would have his license to practice withdrawn. The Bush's would have their citizenship revoked. Tom Delay would finally be censured for those dozens of violations that he has been guilty of for the past decade. The Wiggles and TeleTubbies would be rated NC-17 to prevent the perversion of young minds. All victimless crimes would be eliminated. All money used to fight against those crimes would be used for therapy to treat people that suffer from gambling, drug, and sexual addictions. An honest form of checks and balances would be designed and implemented... I could go on and on for hours.

DIGRESSION!
DIGRESSION!
Shut the fuck up Holden!

My fianceè and I once had a terrific television life. We never disagreed on shows to watch. I was enthralled to watch her programs and she was more than willing to watch mine. It was paradise, it was a pleasure, it was destined to pass. And so it did.

I always like to watch the news and documentaries. She liked to watch reality TV and E! I found it interesting for a while. The social, psychological, and physical competition of the Survivor series; the dynamics were quite entertaining. The previously foreign world of the celebrities; their bazaar lifestyles and antics never ceased to entertain... For a while anyways.

Paradise started to fade during the election year coverage. I was glued to the news channels and rented as many documentaries as there were available concerning politics. I occasionally took breaks from the depressing state of the world and watched her programs. I eventually realized that those "I Love the #0's" shows were all reruns over and over and over again. And all the E! Programs were collections of clips provided by agents to promote their clients. I hated the idea of watching these long and drawn out commercials to enhance a person's celebrity.

We eventually resigned to watching only a certain show together. We would try to watch this program at least once a week. That show is "Survivor". Every week "Survivor". Same show every week. Boring as hell, but it keeps me alive. I survive because of "Survivor". The remaining time would be spent reading, studying, or doing other independent work.

Our television life has apparently suffered. I would like to watch more. Its just that we can't agree on much when it comes to the television. Either I'm not in the mood or she's not in the mood. We're not in synch. But does that really matter? How important is a good television life?

I do get the feeling that I'm suffering from television withdrawal. I'm used to an active television life; watching several shows every week. Now I feel deprived. She thinks that I'm being unreasonable. She thinks that we're in a healthier cycle now as opposed to when we watched television everyday. I disagree. I need to have a consistent intake of television in order to avoid that agitation and tension of withdrawal. Sometimes I'll sneak up to our room with my palm pilot and get my news from the internet. That is my main form of news satisfaction, since TV isn't an option anymore.

She says things will change when we get our own place. "We can watch any show we'd like without having to consider the tastes of the other people at each other's house." But she always says it will get better. When our television life started to dip at her apartment, she said "wait until summer, it will get better when we have more free time." Didn't happen. "It will get better when the new seasons start. " Didn't happen. The only consistency is a dwindling of the current television we already watch.

I've tried to spice things up; rent a movie, buy a movie, borrow a movie, or whatever. She's unresponsive to these attempts. We'll start watching them but she'll lose interest and we'll turn it off well before the midpoint of the movie. She says, "We'll finish it tomorrow." But we never do. The movie just gathers dust as it sits above the VCR.

I've grown to accept this whole predicament as just the way my television life will continue. Surviving on "Survivor" and filling my news desire with my palm pilot. I love her. There's no doubt about it, but I can definitely use more TV in my life.

The Happy Couple 

Chafed ears, irritated lobes, and a kink in my neck from working while on the phone with the little lady for hours... This is engagement. Not that I mind it. She's very excited, and she is so adorable when she gets all energized. Her eyes dart around and her usually laconic nature blossoms into a garrulous garden of conversation. Just the thought makes me smile... but then I feel the pain in my ear.

I just finished a phone call with the fiancé. She read to me all the potential greetings for cards that will accompany flowers that are for the purpose of summoning sisters and sisters-in-law to act as bride's maids. I must admit that at first I was quite entertained. They were all poems, using flowery adjectives, playing on metaphors, and using symbolism quite well. Unfortunately, after the fourth poem, I started to lose my interest. I erupted in yawns and made several attempts to focus. It was like watching a gardening show; its very beautiful, but eventually you can't distinguish daisy from daffodil.

In no way do I want to become the typical groom that sits back and lets the bride and her maids arrange the whole event. This isn't just about being congenial, its also about being selfish. This is my wedding and reception as well, and if I'm going to be a part of this whole thing I better have a say. I offered my fiancé the option of relegating all decisions to me and that I'd handle the entirety of the wedding. Needless to say, she didn't accept my offer.

We talked about how we would like to get married long before I ever proposed. She said that she'd want everybody to be extremely comfortable; no need for matching dresses or typical roles of maid, maid of honor or flower girl. She wanted simplicity. She didn't want to wear white, nor get married in a church. This was the dream-bride in my opinion. I couldn't ask for a more laid back woman to enjoy the wedding experience with... it didn't last.

All it took was having the families know that we were getting married for her to change her mind. Now she wants a white dress, matching bride's maids, a ceremony in a church, and all the other niceties that end up making a special occasion between a man and woman into a spectacle centered on entertaining all those that attend. Maybe, I'm being selfish... I do spend much more time with my girl than I ever will with any potential guest. But it is still a day to celebrate the bond of love between the bride and the groom... Fuck I'm naive!

Weddings are about money! You pay crazy prices to caterers, venues, DJ's, photographers, videographers, limos, churches, priests, travel companies, etc... All for the sake of entertaining people so they won't feel so bad for giving the bride and groom money. And the bride and groom are hoping to get enough money to pay off all the expenses incurred during the wedding and still have enough left over to have a down payment on a home. Money!

Why do I need to travel this path? I have money. I wonder how willing my girl is to cancel everything and just elope. I can predict her arguments: the memories are worth it, they'll last a lifetime, we'll regret it eventually if we don't have a big wedding with all our family, our family members will be disappointed, we can always use the extra cash... And of course, I will acquiesce, because even though the marriage is supposed to be solely about the bride and groom, there are other people that want to celebrate with you.

Fuck it! Let's all go to Vegas, get married by Elvis, and paint the town red!!!
God my ears hurt...

I find it amazing, the extent that a business would go to thoroughly soak a couple for as much money as possible for services during an event that is supposedly joyous. These companies charge outrageous prices for meaningless and often non-existent services. They often do so in a rather inconspicuous and diabolical fashion using, seemingly, sophisticated sounding titles for fees that are absolutely absurd.

Example #1 – The Corkage Fee…
This fee is incurred by the couple for using the service of the caterer to uncork bottles of wine, bourbon, etc… The caterer may inform you that the bartender is included in the package price, but they omit that tender detail that the twisting motion of his wrist will cost extra. The Corkage Fee ranges depending on the sadistic nature of the caterer. I have found that if the name of the caterer contains the letter “E” you have a high probability of paying ten times the amount for the Corkage Fee for each letter “E” present in the name. My recommendation for those wishing to marry and hold a reception thereafter to avoid caterers with the word “Chef” or “Cuisine” in the name. Rather find those with the words “Cook” or “Food”. By all means, take every measure to steer clear of a caterer whose title includes the word “Creperie”. You can avoid this fee altogether by simply telling the caterer that you do not wish to partake of their Corkage Service. The bartenders will still uncork the bottles, but that service will cease to incur a fee but instead will take the form of a frill.

Example #2 – The Coat Check Fee…
Every venue I have visited, either through scouting locations from my up-and-coming wedding reception, or visited for another’s wedding, there has been a place for coats (in either rack, or hook form). Rather seldom has there ever been a person to take my coat and actually hang it up, however when there is one there, I usually end up waiting in a line to hand the person my coat receive a ticket, which I promptly loose and by the end of the night I am arguing with the coat check person to retrieve my coat in a drunken stupor. Let me state, for the record, that the presence of a coat check only serves to eliminate any chance of a person’s enjoyment of the reception. Therefore, save yourselves the hundred or so dollars and have people hang up their own goddamn coats.

Example #3 – The Slicing Fee…
Perhaps the most insidious of all the fees, the Slicing Fee exploits the most innocent of traditions… the slicing of the wedding cake. The wedding cake is often provided in the package outlined by the caterer. It seems noble and philanthropic until you notice the fine print where they state that the slicing of said cake would incur a slicing fee of near $100. Having the guests slice their own cake could eliminate this fee. I hate cake, never liked it as long as I can remember. Certainly I’m not the only anti-cake person around. Maybe the cake eating could be optional. America is suffering from an obesity epidemic. We don’t need to climb upon these poor souls and start stuffing cake down their throat by the slice. So for the health of mankind, if you hear a person say, “Let them eat cake” promptly reply “FUCK NO!” (A rather pleasant consequence is that no slicing fee would ever be incurred again…)

Now, it seems to me that the caterer is inventing fees just to get more of your money. Soon you will see walking fees to cover the service of the caterers walking from the kitchen to the tables and back again. Breathing fees will be included to ensure that the caterers continue to breathe while they provide their regular service. Looking fees will cover the service of a caterer keeping his or her eyes open while they deliver the food from the kitchen. Anti-Combustion fees will ensure that the caterers refrain from spontaneous internal combustion during the reception, for nobody wants a caterer running around the reception hall in a fiery ball of flames, igniting both tablecloth and curtain as they search for a fire extinguisher…

I recently had an encounter with the fascist inspired method of gift procurement, commonly known as the gift registry. I was introduced to this diabolical system during an expedition to purchase a gift for a baby shower. I was told the mother-to-be had registered at a local “Babies R Us”.

My fiancée and I entered the store and immediately found the registry kiosk. We entered the necessary information and nine pages of registered gifts were spewed from an embedded laser printer. My initial impression was positive. Here is a convenient way to purchase a gift; no guesswork, it eliminates the potential for duplicates, its efficient and clean. This got me into the efficiency mindset, and the fiancée and I divvied the work between us. I set out with half the list and her the same.

I briskly walked down the aisles passing bibs, onesies and pacifiers. A smile materialized upon my face as I imagined the baby playing with all these multicolored rattles, mobiles, and pliable plastic teething rings. I decided to get back to reality and leave the fantasy for later. I took a look at the list to decide on which item to search out. The toner wasn’t melted to the page so it was flaking off, obscuring most of the text. I was still able to make out the description and manufacturer but not the SKU number. The first item on the registry was a butterfly rattle. I assumed that finding this toy would be an easy enough task.

I started out in the toy section. There was nothing there by the listed manufacturer. I moved on to the newborn section. There were dozens of rattles, several in the shape of a butterfly, but once again, none by that manufacturer. I wandered the store looking for any rattle in the shape of a butterfly. I spent about 20 minutes searching in vain before I swallowed my pride and asked a clerk for assistance. Noticing my frustration she told me quite nicely that the manufacturer’s name was changed to "Carson" and that I could find it by the Gift section of the store. After searching through the gift section, finding nothing that looked like a butterfly, I was ready to give up. Much to the clerk’s credit she came over and showed me the location, a seven-foot tall display attached to a pillar adjacent to the Gift section.

These toys resembled neither rattle nor butterfly. The clerk asked what the SKU number was and I showed her the sheet with the partial numbers. She said that the first three numbers of these products were always the same so we only paid attention to the final three. She thought the number at the end of the sequence was a 3 I thought it was an 8. There were no rattles with either number at the end. The clerk decided to leave, stating a phone needed answering.

I decided to approach this dilemma logically. A pregnant woman wouldn’t want to squat or climb upon something in order to reach a rattle, so that means that the toy must be within her arm reach. The mother-to-be is only 5 foot four, 64 inches. The head is approximately 10 inches with the neck at 4, making her shoulder height at 50 inches. Her arm length was probably18 inches in length, implicating the rattle in question as being within 20 to 70 inches off of the ground. She also doesn’t know the gender of the coming baby so I ignored all gender specific rattles (ie. shades of blue or pink). There were two potential rattles at this point; a yellow one and a green one. I looked at the SKU numbers for each; they ended in 1 and 6 respectively for the yellow and green. There was no way that a 1 could possibly be confused with an eight or a three so the green rattle was the obvious choice. Deduction my dear Watson!

This fuzzy, small winged, plush beast stole over a half an hour of my life besides the $10 price tag. All the other items followed suit, after an hour and twenty minutes in the store I only found 3 items. I decided to stop there with this gift scavenger hunt, and go find my girl. She had similar luck, however she was happy and enjoying experience, while I was frantic and anxious to leave. We purchased what we found and left the store.

In the car we had a conversation about registry shopping. I presented sound arguments to support my stance that a gift registry is pure evil. The people purchasing the gifts need not know the recipient anymore than by name alone. Why don’t people just have a wedding or baby shower months before hand and demand a gift of solely money? This would prevent the purchaser of the gift from feeling that they are acting as a delivery service.

Having a registry can feel insulting to the purchaser. It assumes that they don’t know the recipient well enough to make an informed decision. And if that person doesn’t know the recipient that well, then why the hell are they invited to a wedding or baby shower? Answer: as a provider of a gift, no more! Where is the intimacy? Where is the honor? Where is the goddamned element of chance?

This registry experience was one of sterility and frustration. Leaving the store I felt like an automaton. I could’ve programmed that entire incident without the need of a random function. There’s absolutely no organic nature to a registry. It’s pure evil…Satan in kiosk form.

I assume that a registry is in the advantage of the store. You have the bride or mother to be coming around and shopping for future gifts and while they’re there they probably make impulse buys. Also when the final purchaser of the gift comes to the store they also end up making personal impulse buys, increasing revenue for the store and placing more money in those big corporate fat cats’ wallets.

The registry experience has divided the fiancée and I. She is pro-registry and I am passionately against it. She asserts that a registry ensures no duplicates in gifts, however, I have heard horror stories from people where the store failed to eliminate an item from a registry list and the recipient ended up with several of the same item. So a registry can just as easily increase the likeliness of receiving duplicates. So where is the benefit? There is none other than following an arcane tradition of malevolence.

That is why I refuse to support the raunchy registry!