An Engaging Predicament

I find it amazing, the extent that a business would go to thoroughly soak a couple for as much money as possible for services during an event that is supposedly joyous. These companies charge outrageous prices for meaningless and often non-existent services. They often do so in a rather inconspicuous and diabolical fashion using, seemingly, sophisticated sounding titles for fees that are absolutely absurd.

Example #1 – The Corkage Fee…
This fee is incurred by the couple for using the service of the caterer to uncork bottles of wine, bourbon, etc… The caterer may inform you that the bartender is included in the package price, but they omit that tender detail that the twisting motion of his wrist will cost extra. The Corkage Fee ranges depending on the sadistic nature of the caterer. I have found that if the name of the caterer contains the letter “E” you have a high probability of paying ten times the amount for the Corkage Fee for each letter “E” present in the name. My recommendation for those wishing to marry and hold a reception thereafter to avoid caterers with the word “Chef” or “Cuisine” in the name. Rather find those with the words “Cook” or “Food”. By all means, take every measure to steer clear of a caterer whose title includes the word “Creperie”. You can avoid this fee altogether by simply telling the caterer that you do not wish to partake of their Corkage Service. The bartenders will still uncork the bottles, but that service will cease to incur a fee but instead will take the form of a frill.

Example #2 – The Coat Check Fee…
Every venue I have visited, either through scouting locations from my up-and-coming wedding reception, or visited for another’s wedding, there has been a place for coats (in either rack, or hook form). Rather seldom has there ever been a person to take my coat and actually hang it up, however when there is one there, I usually end up waiting in a line to hand the person my coat receive a ticket, which I promptly loose and by the end of the night I am arguing with the coat check person to retrieve my coat in a drunken stupor. Let me state, for the record, that the presence of a coat check only serves to eliminate any chance of a person’s enjoyment of the reception. Therefore, save yourselves the hundred or so dollars and have people hang up their own goddamn coats.

Example #3 – The Slicing Fee…
Perhaps the most insidious of all the fees, the Slicing Fee exploits the most innocent of traditions… the slicing of the wedding cake. The wedding cake is often provided in the package outlined by the caterer. It seems noble and philanthropic until you notice the fine print where they state that the slicing of said cake would incur a slicing fee of near $100. Having the guests slice their own cake could eliminate this fee. I hate cake, never liked it as long as I can remember. Certainly I’m not the only anti-cake person around. Maybe the cake eating could be optional. America is suffering from an obesity epidemic. We don’t need to climb upon these poor souls and start stuffing cake down their throat by the slice. So for the health of mankind, if you hear a person say, “Let them eat cake” promptly reply “FUCK NO!” (A rather pleasant consequence is that no slicing fee would ever be incurred again…)

Now, it seems to me that the caterer is inventing fees just to get more of your money. Soon you will see walking fees to cover the service of the caterers walking from the kitchen to the tables and back again. Breathing fees will be included to ensure that the caterers continue to breathe while they provide their regular service. Looking fees will cover the service of a caterer keeping his or her eyes open while they deliver the food from the kitchen. Anti-Combustion fees will ensure that the caterers refrain from spontaneous internal combustion during the reception, for nobody wants a caterer running around the reception hall in a fiery ball of flames, igniting both tablecloth and curtain as they search for a fire extinguisher…